Examine your motives
One of the biggest mistakes people make is jumping into the dating pool too early. This happens because their motives are to prove something to themselves or their ex, or because they can’t bear the space in their life that the divorce has left and need to fill the vacant position as soon as possible. When we are driven by this kind of motivation we are liable to make bad choices and end up with more pain and heartache to deal with. There is the old cliché about meeting someone on the rebound but as with all cliches it has come about because it contains truth. Meeting someone on the rebound could be unfair to them and yourself.

All women are …….  All men are ……..
If your view of the opposite sex is seriously damaged by your marriage experience it is all too easy to generalize about the opposite sex but these prejudices will block you from forming a healthy new relationship. Take responsibility for looking at those beliefs and counteract them by looking at the healthy relationships you have with members of the opposite sex amongst your family and friends.

If your experience really is that ‘All women/men are …’ it may be that you need to look at your own behavior in relationships to see if there is something you could do differently so you don’t repeat the same mistakes again.

A relationship isn’t the be all and end all. Some people look for a new relationship straight away because they want it to make them feel whole but in reality we need to feel complete and whole in ourselves if we want to have healthy relationships where we’re not in constant fear of being left or cheated on.

If you always do what you’ve always done you will always get what you’ve always got.

A new freedom
When you are ready and have fully let go of your marriage it can be an exciting time. It may be you were unhappy for many years before your marriage ended and beginning dating marks the start of a new chapter in your life. While you do need to be wary of making the same mistakes again it will be difficult to move forward if you are constantly comparing your dates with your ex. Try, as far as possible, to meet each new date with an open mind and an open heart and judge them on their own merits.

Enjoy time to pursue new or old interests, spend time with your friends and family, take time to really review your life and think about where you want to be in five years time. Be clear about what you want, do you want something light-hearted and fun or are you looking for a life partner, take the reigns of your life back. Really attractive people are people who are lit up by life, enthusiastic and optimistic not jaded and bitter.

A private life
If you have children the chances are that you will still be having some sort of contact with your ex and you will have to take their feelings into consideration when you start dating again. Exes can sometimes start making life very difficult if they feel you are moving on and they aren’t. If there are issues around finances and child care it is better to keep your new life to yourself at first rather than aggravate what may already be a sensitive situation.

Children need particular consideration after divorce no matter how old they are. They need to go through their own grieving process which can often take much longer because they weren’t part of the decision to divorce. The introduction of someone new in their lives when they are going through this process and getting used to their new living situation can prompt some challenging behaviors, even in adult children who have left home.

The answer is to give it time. Once you have met someone special and feel sure that there is a future together then most people will be happy for you. There is no rush and what’s most important is that you let go of the past and embrace your new future.

In theory, it should be the case that what’s inside a person is the only thing that matters. But everyone judges other people on what’s outside to some extent. You might not mean to, you might not be judging on their appearance, but you will be judging them in some way.

After appearance, one of the main ways we tend to evaluate others is on their status. This can be done in several ways:

• Past issues: “I went out with a doctor once, it didn’t go well.”
• Salary: “Shop assistants don’t earn much.”
• Acceptance: “How can I tell my family I’m dating a bin man?”
• Motivation: “If she’s still a bar maid she can’t have much ambition in life.”

There are probably two things you’re thinking here: a) ‘I’ve expressed at least one of those thoughts at some point’ and b)’those aren’t very nice thoughts to have’. You know deep down that not every doctor is the same, just as you know that any bar maid you meet may well be saving money to retrain in a different vocation. Overall though, none of these things have any bearing on how your relationship with this person could work out.

The question now becomes, how can you train yourself not to think these things when you’re evaluating whether someone would make a great date? We have some ideas:

Work out your priorities
Most people are able to reel off a list of qualities they’re looking for in their ideal partner. Unfortunately these often end up sounding like shopping lists where the end result would be the world’s most perfect human being (who, as we all know, doesn’t exist).

Now is the ideal time to work out your REAL list; the qualities and characteristics your potential partner must have, beyond them being ‘tall’, or ‘rich’ or ‘gorgeous’. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone with a great job, but if a person came along who had a prestigious job and a ton of money but made you unhappy, would that really be what you were looking for? Our priorities change as we mature, work out how yours have changed.

Next time you meet someone new suspend your judgement
Next time you meet someone new, monitor your own reactions when you hear what they do for a living. As soon as you feel yourself starting to have negative thoughts, force yourself to hear them out. Perhaps they’re working the job they do because it allows them to pursue their creative ambitions. Or maybe they’re saving up enough money to put themselves through university. Or perhaps they simply enjoy their job, and it frees them up to focus on other things in life. The equation is simple: the more you open up to people, the more chances you have of meeting someone special to you.

Exercise the power of three
Maybe you genuinely think you could never be interested in a relationship with people with certain professions. But, you can’t knock it till you’ve tried it. If you meet someone who you like, but whose status puts you off, commit to going on three dates with them. That way, if you do eventually dismiss them you’ll have a real reason for doing so and won’t simply end up telling your friends, ‘Well she was a nail technician, so I knew she’d have nothing between her ears.’ You might just learn something about yourself, even if that is that your own prejudices don’t hold true.

There’s nothing wrong with having standards about the person you date. We’re not saying you should pop down to your nearest park and pick up the local weirdo. But ultimately your choice in partner should be based on how happy they make you on an everyday basis, not whether you’ll be able to afford gold plated bathroom fittings in your dream home together.

Plus, there’s nothing wrong with challenging your own prejudices every now and then – it could open you up to a whole new world you never knew existed.

Don’t take it personally
Whenever we meet someone for the first time it is natural that we want them to like us but just like with any area of life people have different tastes. There are many perfectly lovely people out there who just don’t make you go weak at the knees no matter how many of the boxes they tick.

We all know this intellectually, the problem comes when we take every slight as ‘evidence’ that we are unlovable telling ourselves we are fat or old or shouldn’t even bother trying. The trick is to try to focus more on whether you like the person and are having a good time than on their opinion of you. Really what other people think of you is none of your business.

Know your own mind
If you keep your focus on yourself you will know whether you want to see them again, this is a much more powerful position than waiting to see if they call you. When asked whether you want to see them again you will know whether your answer is yes or no. If their answer isn’t the same that’s ok, there could be many reasons for this and unless you have recently developed the art of mind reading it is unlikely you will ever know for sure.

Whatever you do don’t do other people’s thinking for them. It is very rare for someone to get it right unless they’re Derren Brown. Most people tend to project negatives rather than positives onto other people when we go over in our heads the details of our date, we are more likely to think something like ‘I bet she thought I was an idiot when I dropped that bowl’ instead of ‘I’m glad she saw how nervous I was, she will know how much I like her now’.

Teach people how to treat you
It will be difficult to believe that anyone could want to spend time with you (even if they genuinely do) if you don’t think much of yourself. If you have very low self-esteem try to up your own opinion of yourself. Spend some time each day looking for things that you do well, it can be anything, having a laugh with the lads, playing snooker, helping your Gran, cooking, what qualities does it take to be good at these things? This technique takes practice; many of us have been so down on ourselves for so long we don’t even know we’re doing it. Then when we go on a date and if rejected our low self-esteem can plummet even further, maybe putting us off trying again because it is just too painful.

Be your own best friend
Listen to how you talk to yourself. If that internal voice is constantly criticizing, nagging and complaining it’s going to be hard to cover it up when we are staring into the eyes of a lovely date. Better to start doing some work on it now so instead of telling yourself‘You’re such an idiot’, try ‘It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes’.

Imagine if that internal voice was a real person outside of you, most of us couldn’t spend a day with it. We are often much harsher and crueler to ourselves than we would ever be to anyone else. It doesn’t change quickly but it does change with daily practice. The danger of not changing our view of ourselves is that even if we do find someone who thinks we are fabulous the chances are we will eventually lose respect for them for thinking that and may sabotage the relationship.

Watch your expectations
One of the reasons it can be so painful when we get rejected is because during the period of online contact, which sometimes can last for months, we have started to get our hopes up, looking for all the signs that this one could be ‘the one’. It can be a lot easier to talk online and we often have the chance to edit what we are saying so minimize the chances of saying something stupid. Our advice is do get interested but don’t get attached before you meet. Talk online for just long enough to find out if you want to meet this person face to face. That way it won’t be a disappointment if you don’t hit it off.

Whatever you do don’t be put off by a few false starts, keep trying and remember everything gets easier with practice.

You’ve seen it a thousand times in films – a hot girl gets together with a very ordinary guy (usually a ‘nerd’) and through a journey of discovery she learns to love him and realize looks aren’t everything.  A fun idea, and great to watch with a big tub of popcorn, but that’s not really reflective of everyday life.

The fact is that no one wants to be in that couple. You know them. They’re the couple you meet where you wonder ‘how the heck did he/she end up with him/her?!’ She might be far richer than him, or maybe he is more obviously attractive than her. Or perhaps one of them is just far, far more enigmatic and engaging than the other. But whatever the combination, no one wants to provoke that reaction when they turn up somewhere with their partner.

This might sound shallow, but relationship equality is actually very important. If a couple bring equal amounts of positive qualities to a relationship then they will be more stable, and ultimately happier. Does this mean that when you’re searching through your matches you should dismiss someone you deem to have a better job, a better life or a better body than you? No, but you should bear these five principles in mind:

1.    Relationships are about making deals
This might sound a bit clinical, but bear with us as this is the best way to explain this concept. A relationship is like a business deal. When you’re looking for a partner you want someone who brings as many good qualities to the table as you. You might be able to do different things for each other too, but the partnership needs to be mutually beneficial. No business would accept a partner that doesn’t bring much to the table, why should you?

2.    Assess what you bring to the table
When it comes to relationships, what qualities do you offer? If it helps, write an honest list. This isn’t an ego-massaging exercise so don’t just list your positive qualities, but neither is it an ego deflating exercise so don’t just list your negative points either. By knowing exactly what you offer in a relationship you can make a more informed decision about just who is in your league.

3.    Learn to read people quickly
As well as being self-aware about your own qualities, it’s important that you can assess a potential partner’s qualities quickly. Some people are very obviously great at sports, naturally funny and creative, but most people have more subtle qualities – and some more than others. If you can identify these qualities, or lack of qualities, quickly you’ll be able to assess whether you really are looking at someone out of your league or not.

4.    It’s not just about hotness
When we talk about someone’s positive qualities we’re not just talking about whether they look good on the beach or not.  Yes, your average bar conversation referring to someone as a ‘10’ or a ‘5’ will be focused solely on looks, but that’s not what meaningful relationships are about. That rating doesn’t take into account the subjectivity of looks, or the person’s sense of humor, dependability, intelligence etc.

5.    Make sure everyone’s a winner
Both people in a relationship should feel like they got a great deal. No one should feel they’ve been conned in their choice of partner. You should feel like a winner for choosing your partner, and your partner should feel like a winner for choosing you, it’s as simple as that.

Ultimately it’s not a simple question of saying ‘that person is out of my league’ or ‘I’m out of that person’s league’. It’s about evaluating each person you come across and working out whether or not you’d make a great partnership. Looks will always be part of the decision, we’re not going to deny otherwise, but you’re fooling yourself if that’s as far as your assessment goes.

Do you think you’ve ever dated out of your league?

If only there was a quick test you could do to know if you’d found The One – it would save a lot of time and heartache. Unfortunately, science hasn’t quite figured that one out yet, and probably never will, but we’ve got nine ways you can be pretty sure they’re The One.

1. You’re not waiting for it to become perfect
We often allow ourselves to believe that if one particular obstacle is removed from our romantic relationship, then it will turn into the perfect relationship. The reality is that if you hang the happiness of your relationship on whether or not your partner gives up smoking, for example, you’re probably using it to mask other problems.

Say they give up smoking, chances are you’ll still be unhappy. You have to realize that true happiness doesn’t come from perfection, but in fact from the acceptance of your partner’s flaws and the ability to compromise and move on. A good relationship is good on its own merits, it doesn’t need tweaking.

2. You are good enough
When your partner doesn’t mind that you sing badly in the shower, have really cold feet in bed, or [insert unusual trait here], then you can be pretty sure you’ve found The One. They will also be incredibly proud of everything you do, and generally think you’re a wonderful person. And all you have to do is be you.

3. You argue well
This might sound like a contradiction in terms, but a relationship counselor will tell you that a couple who fight and resolve their issues are far healthier than a couple that never argue at all. By airing your grievances you can resolve them and move on, rather than bottling things up. But beware, if you’re arguing all the time and getting nowhere, you might need to rethink your relationship.

4. Boring becomes fascinating
When you’re in a great relationship, it’s the stuff that no one else wants to hear that’s fascinating to you both. The smallest details of your partner’s day are interesting, even though they would send anyone else to sleep. Ever had that moment when you realize you’re boring the bones off your best friend about something your partner has done or said recently, that you’ve found fascinating? That kind of stuff.

5. You’re drama-free
This doesn’t mean you never argue (see point three), more that things seem to just flow along smoothly. Neither one of you screams, shouts or pouts to get their own way – you just know how to deal with each other, and you know that life is much better that way.

6. Your family and friends ‘get it’
Most of the time, when our friends and family endorse someone we’re with, that’s not only a huge boost, but also a huge indicator that he or she is right for you. They know you better than most people, and if they’re giving you the thumbs up then you’re on the right track.

7. You make them happy
The deeper the connection two people have, the easier it is for them to know how to make each other happy. Think about the smaller day to day differences you can make. Do you know what music to put on to cheer your partner up, or how they like their tea in the morning? In the bigger scheme of things, do you know the best way to help him or her work through a problem at work, or with their family? And do they do the same for you?

8. You’re on the same page
Compatibility is so important for a healthy relationship. Don’t get us wrong, this doesn’t mean you have to be clones of each other. But think about it – if you one of you wants to settle down with children by 35 and the other is planning on jacking it all in and traveling the world, there’s going to be conflict. However, if you have similar values and ideas about how you want your lives to pan out, then you have a much better chance of building a life together.

9. You have mutual respect
Mutual respect in a relationship means a deeper connection and more trust between the couple. This is the foundation of most aspects of a great, long-lasting relationship, and is probably one of the most important points on this list.

As we said at the start, there’s no foolproof way to know if you’re with The One. But if you can tick off all the points on this list, then you can be pretty sure you’re on the right track.

It can be hard to get back into dating if you have been off the scene for a long time, all the rules seem to have changed and it can feel overwhelming and intimidating at first. While you have been away there has been a revolution in the dating world which takes a lot of the discomfort and uncertainty out of it and allows you to meet prospective new partners from the comfort of your own living room.

It is socially acceptable
We have been through a technical revolution in the last twenty years and now the majority of people have used the internet and have regular access to computers even if they don’t actually own one. This is true for every age group and across the social spectrum.

In conjunction with this internet dating has gone through a complete revolution in terms of social acceptability mainly because the internet is now where many of us keep in touch with our friends and family, make arrangements about our social life and get back in touch with old friends.

Dating online used to be considered a risky and shady business where people lied about their age and were embarrassed to own up to it. This has all changed and now it is common for singles of every age to meet dates online.

A gentle reintroduction
Coming out of a marriage can leave you feeling bruised and vulnerable and unclear about what you want for your future. In these circumstances one of the most important things is that you don’t rush into anything too soon.  Online dating provides you with a safe and guided introduction process so that at no point you feel you are out of control and by the time you get to meet someone you have a lot more information about them than you would if you had met them in a bar or club.

Even after the first date there is no obligation to meet the person again if you feel that you didn’t hit it off. After all,  you don’t buy every pair of shoes you try on and it is absolutely fine for you to take time over such an important process. Enjoy the opportunity it affords you to meet people whose path you may never have crossed in other ways.

Be discerning
As with anything that is available online you need to be discerning before you get your credit card out and start signing up. There are free dating sites but being free usually means that they have no joining criteria and are more likely to be misused by people with shady agendas.

The best sites will allow you to sign up and view your matches for free and will then charge a moderate subscription before you can communicate with any of its members. This is a good indication that it is a trustworthy site as you know that everyone who then communicates with you through the site has paid for a subscription which shows a level of commitment to the process of finding the right person. Most subscriptions are less than what you would pay for a night out and are well worth it for the peace of mind and support that often comes as part of your subscription package.

Our advice would be to sign up to one, well-known and trusted site that has a good track record, far better to focus on one site in depth than have multiple profiles on many different sites.

Ask for help
If you are uncertain, do some research, ask friends, you will probably be surprised by how many people have used sites and most people will be happy to pass on useful tips and recommend what worked for them.

Writing a profile about yourself can feel difficult and uncomfortable because most people aren’t used to talking about themselves in flattering and positive ways. Talk to your nearest and dearest and enlist their help. It will good for your self-esteem to hear how others see you and your boldness in going forward in this way could even inspire other people to do the same. If you want to upload a photograph this is another area where friends or family can help you.

Be proud of what you are doing. Let go of any old prejudiced ideas about the internet being for desperate people and see yourself as a proactive person giving yourself the very best opportunity for a happy and fulfilling future with someone who you may know more about before you meet than you ever knew about your ex before you married them.

Most important of all remember to take your time, have fun and let go of any preconceived ideas you may have about online dating. Instead see yourself as joining a global village where this is the most common, accepted and safe way to meet other people.