Category Archives: Dating

Guide For Cougar Women Dating Younger Men

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Younger men dating cougar women dating are becoming more ordinary and conventional these days. For cougars, dating younger men can be more appealing than dating men of the same age. Younger men can offer them an exhilarating ride at the outset of their dating relationship. To be properly guided, here are some useful tips:

The Maturity Level
As commonly said, age does not determine maturity. It will always depend on the life experiences, there are some younger men who have had to grow up faster. In effect they have gained more wisdom and insight. However, if you are only after for a casual relationship, the maturity level of the male may not matter.

Spontaneity
because of their age, younger men may still want to explore and find out who they are before settling down. They tend to be very spontaneous which is quite appealing to the older woman. Their adventurous nature can attract women who think that exploring life together offers excitement especially in the new season of your life.

Matches Your Expectations
It is better to figure out your relationship expectations before you start dating. It is important not to be afraid to voice what you want. It is through understanding each other in the beginning that frustrations and heartbreak can be prevented later on in the relationship. Also in early dating stage, find out what he wants from the relationship.

Same Energy Levels
A lot of younger guys do a lot of social things during the week. However, in the event that you cannot keep up, you need to find a guy that is more your speed. Also, tell him the social things you like to do. Always remember that you do not need to do things just to compete with younger women. You need to be yourself and let him enjoy all the things he likes about you.

Do not be His Mommy
The tendency is that younger men are cougar women dating as a mother type. They may easily fall for you since he may appeal to your nurturing side. It is important to watch out for the early signs in order to avoid this type of men for he may not look at you as a confident woman who can contribute to the relationship. You already raised your own kids so you would not want to raise another one.

How to dump your emotional baggage

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Getting the right support

As the old saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved and at different times in our lives we are going to need to talk to someone to help us through a tricky patch. For most of us this comes in the shape of family and friends but not everyone is lucky enough to have a close network. Even if you do there might be some things you really don’t want to discuss with them because they are personal, painful or embarrassing.

There are support groups for almost everything – parenting, depression, bereavement, cancer or you can opt to have some one-to-one counseling around a particular issue.
Whatever it is you are struggling with it is always better to talk it through with someone rather than try and deal with it on your own. Some helping agencies like the Samaritans also run an email support service so you don’t even need to see someone face to face to get support.

Work it out
Emotions are energy in motion in the body and the best way to release them is to get active. As tempting as it might be to duvet dive you will actually feel much better if you do something physical – running, swimming, cycling, walking are all great ways of clearing your head.

If you are angry about something it is really therapeutic to bash it out, punch a pillow, knead bread dough or go boxing. The heels of the feet are great energy release points so stamping or having a toddler tantrum (in private) work really well. When anger isn’t worked out it will come out sideways making us irritable, unreasonable and touchy and if left unresolved it can turn into depression.

If getting physical isn’t your thing you could get creative, you could draw, paint, write or sing. If you used to be creative and have stopped picking it up again can really help you get back to your old self, if you’ve never tried it before it could be the start of a new hobby.

Transform It
Sometimes the past can be like a big stick we use to beat ourselves up with and we are filled with regret or shame because we think we should have known better or should have done something differently.

We cannot change the past but we can learn from it. Look at how your experience has changed you. What have you learned as a result? How have you grown? If you had a friend who was going through something similar what advice would you give them?

Look at your past. Even if you were the victim of someone else’s actions roll the film back and see if there was a point where you could have made a different choice?

Blaming and hating someone else only leads to feelings of bitterness and powerlessness which can harden over time, these are unattractive qualities in a person no matter how justified the cause. The only way to stop blaming is to see what you could have done differently. Blame only ties us to the pain.

Hurt people go on to hurt other people, seeing someone who hurt you in this way can help you to let go of the pain. It’s not about saying that what they did was OK but about releasing the feelings from inside you.

The End
Sometimes we carry things with us simply because they didn’t have a proper ending. Maybe someone left us or died, maybe we were the victim of a crime but there was never an arrest. When this happens we can be left with a washing machine head that plays the situation over and over again as we try to work it out, but we never can.

In situations like this we can create an ending ourselves in a number of ways. We can find all the photos and things that remind us of that time or person and either put them away in a box, if they are precious memories, or burn them or throw them into the sea if they are painful.

If we have nothing physical to do this with we can write it out beginning every sentence with ’I remember’. Keep writing until you have written out everything you remember about that person or event and then let it go as above.

No matter what has happened in your past the one thing you can change is your perception of it and through doing that you can release yourself from any amount of emotional baggage.

Three’s a crowd

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Some people have become seriously addicted to their mobile phone and break out in a nervous sweat when they think they can’t find it or are asked to turn it off, only managing to turn it onto vibrate in case they miss something.

There are increasing numbers of people complaining that their partner’s phone has become like an intruder in their relationship. If someone’s attention is always drifting away or the little reminder noise goes off when you are getting intimate or you feel that they talk more to random strangers on Twitter than they do to you then it will eventually become a problem in your relationship.

Be considerate
If you are on a first date then it is sensible to have your phone with you but don’t let it be visible or audible. It’s not a good idea to have it on the table in front of you constantly flashing or pinging you news of everyone else’s business.

Studies have shown that non-verbal communication accounts for about 80% of our interaction with each other and inattention is the biggest block to developing healthy relationships. There is something really wonderful about being with someone who gives you their full attention, listens to what you are saying and are attentive, engaged and interesting. As soon as that phone is on the table all of that seems to go and you know your date isn’t really fully present to you any more.

Free time
Whether you are dating or not it is healthy to have some time in each day when you aren’t connected and, if you can manage it, even a whole weekend once in a while. Much as social networks have their place in modern society there is a danger that many of our basic needs for connection, friendship, communication and even love are being met virtually.

In general we don’t phone or go to see people we care about as much as we used to because we get constant status updates which make us believe that we know what is going on with them. Often now when you see someone after a long time and you start to tell them some exciting development in your life they say, ‘Yes, I know I saw it on Facebook.’ The reality is that we are missing out, we may feel more in touch but in a real sense we may be less in touch than ever before. Try to ensure that you maintain a balance of personal contact with virtual contact, there is nothing quite like seeing your friends and family in person and if that isn’t possible a phone call gives a more real connection.

In a new relationship try to keep your communication in person as much as possible, texting cute messages of love is great but remember not to try and deal with difficult emotional issues by text as they can be mis-read.

Have a private life
Some people feel compelled to share every detail of their lives in their social network statuses but when it comes to relationships you need to be very careful about this. There is something very distasteful about seeing a couple row or split up on Facebook. A good rule of thumb is don’t put anything on there that you wouldn’t feel comfortable standing on a stage and sharing with a crowd of people, some of whom you might not know very well. Keep your private life private and if there is something you need to share with your friends go and see them or pick up the phone.

When dating someone your aim is to build a sustainable connection and posting every move you make together is not the best way to go about it. Leave the phone at home, or on silent out of sight and enjoy the real human thrill of getting to know someone new.

When you feel you know someone well enough that you want to invite them to be your social network ‘friend’ sitting together looking at your photo albums and interests is much more intimate and personal than letting them trawl through your profile on their own.

You may meet the love of your life online but be careful not to lose them because of your compulsion to stay connected to your virtual world.

Dating after divorce: a starter guide

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Examine your motives
One of the biggest mistakes people make is jumping into the dating pool too early. This happens because their motives are to prove something to themselves or their ex, or because they can’t bear the space in their life that the divorce has left and need to fill the vacant position as soon as possible. When we are driven by this kind of motivation we are liable to make bad choices and end up with more pain and heartache to deal with. There is the old cliché about meeting someone on the rebound but as with all cliches it has come about because it contains truth. Meeting someone on the rebound could be unfair to them and yourself.

All women are …….  All men are ……..
If your view of the opposite sex is seriously damaged by your marriage experience it is all too easy to generalize about the opposite sex but these prejudices will block you from forming a healthy new relationship. Take responsibility for looking at those beliefs and counteract them by looking at the healthy relationships you have with members of the opposite sex amongst your family and friends.

If your experience really is that ‘All women/men are …’ it may be that you need to look at your own behavior in relationships to see if there is something you could do differently so you don’t repeat the same mistakes again.

A relationship isn’t the be all and end all. Some people look for a new relationship straight away because they want it to make them feel whole but in reality we need to feel complete and whole in ourselves if we want to have healthy relationships where we’re not in constant fear of being left or cheated on.

If you always do what you’ve always done you will always get what you’ve always got.

A new freedom
When you are ready and have fully let go of your marriage it can be an exciting time. It may be you were unhappy for many years before your marriage ended and beginning dating marks the start of a new chapter in your life. While you do need to be wary of making the same mistakes again it will be difficult to move forward if you are constantly comparing your dates with your ex. Try, as far as possible, to meet each new date with an open mind and an open heart and judge them on their own merits.

Enjoy time to pursue new or old interests, spend time with your friends and family, take time to really review your life and think about where you want to be in five years time. Be clear about what you want, do you want something light-hearted and fun or are you looking for a life partner, take the reigns of your life back. Really attractive people are people who are lit up by life, enthusiastic and optimistic not jaded and bitter.

A private life
If you have children the chances are that you will still be having some sort of contact with your ex and you will have to take their feelings into consideration when you start dating again. Exes can sometimes start making life very difficult if they feel you are moving on and they aren’t. If there are issues around finances and child care it is better to keep your new life to yourself at first rather than aggravate what may already be a sensitive situation.

Children need particular consideration after divorce no matter how old they are. They need to go through their own grieving process which can often take much longer because they weren’t part of the decision to divorce. The introduction of someone new in their lives when they are going through this process and getting used to their new living situation can prompt some challenging behaviors, even in adult children who have left home.

The answer is to give it time. Once you have met someone special and feel sure that there is a future together then most people will be happy for you. There is no rush and what’s most important is that you let go of the past and embrace your new future.

5 reasons she won’t commit

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We aren’t necessarily talking about the big commitments here. Every relationship develops over a period of time and each stage requires both parties to be willing to move forward and commit to the next stage. This is a gradual process and usually unconscious for the most part. You may commit to talking online at a certain time, then commit to meet somewhere for a date, then agree to see each other again at a certain time and place. Before we get to any of the big life commitments like marriage and children we have usually made dozens of small commitments to each other.

There are some people who are flaky and unreliable right from the off and these relationships don’t usually get off the ground but there are also others where it has all been going well, you like her, she likes you yet whenever the subject of a future together comes up she pulls back, goes quiet or changes the subject leaving you with a sense that she isn’t as committed as you are. This can be confusing, upsetting and difficult to talk about. Here are some of the possible reasons this could happen:

1.    She was hurt in the past
The first and most obvious reason that someone is unwilling to commit in a new relationship is because they are still carrying hurt from a previous one. We learn from our experiences and if a relationship ended badly then it can affect our trust, self-esteem and willingness to put ourselves in a vulnerable position again. This is true for everyone and our faith is usually restored when we have been through a grieving period, licked our wounds and started meeting new people.

For some women though the process isn’t that simple. If she has found herself in a relationship with a man who started off as charming and loving but became domineering, aggressive, bullying and she was unable to stand up for herself this could seriously affect her ability to commit again. We’re not suggesting that men don’t also find themselves in these kinds of relationships but despite the modern times we live in most women are physically smaller and weaker than their male counterparts and therefore more vulnerable to being dominated in this way.

If this is the case be patient and let her talk about it when she is ready.

2.    Going too fast
It might be that she is willing to commit but that you are simply moving at a different pace. New relationships are very exciting and it can be tempting to want to leap in and profess your undying love on the second date if you feel you have finally found ‘the one’.  As a general rule of thumb we suggest six dates before you begin to talk about any long-term commitment. Give yourselves time to get to know each other, enjoy the process. Although most women say that they want a man who is sensitive and romantic she can quickly lose respect for a man who wants to marry her without having taken the time to get to know her. There might be a sense of “you wouldn’t feel like that if you really knew me” so get to know her, this takes time.

3.     Friends and family
Women are often strongly influenced by the opinion of their family and friends. It might be that she loves being with you because you are great company on a one-to-one but when you are around her family and friends you just don’t shine in the same way. This is a common problem and women will openly ask their family and friends for their opinion on a new partner.

Whether you like it or not the answer will have an influence on her decision to take it further. Mothers of course are the crucial influence so whatever you do try to get to know her too. We all love to talk about ourselves. Show interest in her friends and family, ask questions, and remember details. It might seem like a big ask but it can make all the difference in a long run.

4.    Different life goals
She may be really into you, love spending time with you but if there is no hope of you fathering her children, either because of choice or circumstances, she might not commit. Or it may be the other way round, you desperately want a family and she doesn’t. If you met her on eHarmony, the question of children is covered in the Relationship Questionnaire but women do change their minds, particularly in their 30s when their biological clock begins to tick.

5.    Keeping options open
She may just be playing the field. When people join eHarmony for example, they usually get a number of matches. While some people will just choose one to focus on at any one time others might be going on a date with someone different every other night. Either approach is OK as long as all parties are open and upfront. It may be that you would prefer her to focus exclusively on getting to know you and if that is the case you must be honest about your feelings.

Does your date’s status matter?

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In theory, it should be the case that what’s inside a person is the only thing that matters. But everyone judges other people on what’s outside to some extent. You might not mean to, you might not be judging on their appearance, but you will be judging them in some way.

After appearance, one of the main ways we tend to evaluate others is on their status. This can be done in several ways:

• Past issues: “I went out with a doctor once, it didn’t go well.”
• Salary: “Shop assistants don’t earn much.”
• Acceptance: “How can I tell my family I’m dating a bin man?”
• Motivation: “If she’s still a bar maid she can’t have much ambition in life.”

There are probably two things you’re thinking here: a) ‘I’ve expressed at least one of those thoughts at some point’ and b)’those aren’t very nice thoughts to have’. You know deep down that not every doctor is the same, just as you know that any bar maid you meet may well be saving money to retrain in a different vocation. Overall though, none of these things have any bearing on how your relationship with this person could work out.

The question now becomes, how can you train yourself not to think these things when you’re evaluating whether someone would make a great date? We have some ideas:

Work out your priorities
Most people are able to reel off a list of qualities they’re looking for in their ideal partner. Unfortunately these often end up sounding like shopping lists where the end result would be the world’s most perfect human being (who, as we all know, doesn’t exist).

Now is the ideal time to work out your REAL list; the qualities and characteristics your potential partner must have, beyond them being ‘tall’, or ‘rich’ or ‘gorgeous’. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone with a great job, but if a person came along who had a prestigious job and a ton of money but made you unhappy, would that really be what you were looking for? Our priorities change as we mature, work out how yours have changed.

Next time you meet someone new suspend your judgement
Next time you meet someone new, monitor your own reactions when you hear what they do for a living. As soon as you feel yourself starting to have negative thoughts, force yourself to hear them out. Perhaps they’re working the job they do because it allows them to pursue their creative ambitions. Or maybe they’re saving up enough money to put themselves through university. Or perhaps they simply enjoy their job, and it frees them up to focus on other things in life. The equation is simple: the more you open up to people, the more chances you have of meeting someone special to you.

Exercise the power of three
Maybe you genuinely think you could never be interested in a relationship with people with certain professions. But, you can’t knock it till you’ve tried it. If you meet someone who you like, but whose status puts you off, commit to going on three dates with them. That way, if you do eventually dismiss them you’ll have a real reason for doing so and won’t simply end up telling your friends, ‘Well she was a nail technician, so I knew she’d have nothing between her ears.’ You might just learn something about yourself, even if that is that your own prejudices don’t hold true.

There’s nothing wrong with having standards about the person you date. We’re not saying you should pop down to your nearest park and pick up the local weirdo. But ultimately your choice in partner should be based on how happy they make you on an everyday basis, not whether you’ll be able to afford gold plated bathroom fittings in your dream home together.

Plus, there’s nothing wrong with challenging your own prejudices every now and then – it could open you up to a whole new world you never knew existed.

How to develop a thicker skin

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Don’t take it personally
Whenever we meet someone for the first time it is natural that we want them to like us but just like with any area of life people have different tastes. There are many perfectly lovely people out there who just don’t make you go weak at the knees no matter how many of the boxes they tick.

We all know this intellectually, the problem comes when we take every slight as ‘evidence’ that we are unlovable telling ourselves we are fat or old or shouldn’t even bother trying. The trick is to try to focus more on whether you like the person and are having a good time than on their opinion of you. Really what other people think of you is none of your business.

Know your own mind
If you keep your focus on yourself you will know whether you want to see them again, this is a much more powerful position than waiting to see if they call you. When asked whether you want to see them again you will know whether your answer is yes or no. If their answer isn’t the same that’s ok, there could be many reasons for this and unless you have recently developed the art of mind reading it is unlikely you will ever know for sure.

Whatever you do don’t do other people’s thinking for them. It is very rare for someone to get it right unless they’re Derren Brown. Most people tend to project negatives rather than positives onto other people when we go over in our heads the details of our date, we are more likely to think something like ‘I bet she thought I was an idiot when I dropped that bowl’ instead of ‘I’m glad she saw how nervous I was, she will know how much I like her now’.

Teach people how to treat you
It will be difficult to believe that anyone could want to spend time with you (even if they genuinely do) if you don’t think much of yourself. If you have very low self-esteem try to up your own opinion of yourself. Spend some time each day looking for things that you do well, it can be anything, having a laugh with the lads, playing snooker, helping your Gran, cooking, what qualities does it take to be good at these things? This technique takes practice; many of us have been so down on ourselves for so long we don’t even know we’re doing it. Then when we go on a date and if rejected our low self-esteem can plummet even further, maybe putting us off trying again because it is just too painful.

Be your own best friend
Listen to how you talk to yourself. If that internal voice is constantly criticizing, nagging and complaining it’s going to be hard to cover it up when we are staring into the eyes of a lovely date. Better to start doing some work on it now so instead of telling yourself‘You’re such an idiot’, try ‘It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes’.

Imagine if that internal voice was a real person outside of you, most of us couldn’t spend a day with it. We are often much harsher and crueler to ourselves than we would ever be to anyone else. It doesn’t change quickly but it does change with daily practice. The danger of not changing our view of ourselves is that even if we do find someone who thinks we are fabulous the chances are we will eventually lose respect for them for thinking that and may sabotage the relationship.

Watch your expectations
One of the reasons it can be so painful when we get rejected is because during the period of online contact, which sometimes can last for months, we have started to get our hopes up, looking for all the signs that this one could be ‘the one’. It can be a lot easier to talk online and we often have the chance to edit what we are saying so minimize the chances of saying something stupid. Our advice is do get interested but don’t get attached before you meet. Talk online for just long enough to find out if you want to meet this person face to face. That way it won’t be a disappointment if you don’t hit it off.

Whatever you do don’t be put off by a few false starts, keep trying and remember everything gets easier with practice.

Should you date out of your league?

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You’ve seen it a thousand times in films – a hot girl gets together with a very ordinary guy (usually a ‘nerd’) and through a journey of discovery she learns to love him and realize looks aren’t everything.  A fun idea, and great to watch with a big tub of popcorn, but that’s not really reflective of everyday life.

The fact is that no one wants to be in that couple. You know them. They’re the couple you meet where you wonder ‘how the heck did he/she end up with him/her?!’ She might be far richer than him, or maybe he is more obviously attractive than her. Or perhaps one of them is just far, far more enigmatic and engaging than the other. But whatever the combination, no one wants to provoke that reaction when they turn up somewhere with their partner.

This might sound shallow, but relationship equality is actually very important. If a couple bring equal amounts of positive qualities to a relationship then they will be more stable, and ultimately happier. Does this mean that when you’re searching through your matches you should dismiss someone you deem to have a better job, a better life or a better body than you? No, but you should bear these five principles in mind:

1.    Relationships are about making deals
This might sound a bit clinical, but bear with us as this is the best way to explain this concept. A relationship is like a business deal. When you’re looking for a partner you want someone who brings as many good qualities to the table as you. You might be able to do different things for each other too, but the partnership needs to be mutually beneficial. No business would accept a partner that doesn’t bring much to the table, why should you?

2.    Assess what you bring to the table
When it comes to relationships, what qualities do you offer? If it helps, write an honest list. This isn’t an ego-massaging exercise so don’t just list your positive qualities, but neither is it an ego deflating exercise so don’t just list your negative points either. By knowing exactly what you offer in a relationship you can make a more informed decision about just who is in your league.

3.    Learn to read people quickly
As well as being self-aware about your own qualities, it’s important that you can assess a potential partner’s qualities quickly. Some people are very obviously great at sports, naturally funny and creative, but most people have more subtle qualities – and some more than others. If you can identify these qualities, or lack of qualities, quickly you’ll be able to assess whether you really are looking at someone out of your league or not.

4.    It’s not just about hotness
When we talk about someone’s positive qualities we’re not just talking about whether they look good on the beach or not.  Yes, your average bar conversation referring to someone as a ‘10’ or a ‘5’ will be focused solely on looks, but that’s not what meaningful relationships are about. That rating doesn’t take into account the subjectivity of looks, or the person’s sense of humor, dependability, intelligence etc.

5.    Make sure everyone’s a winner
Both people in a relationship should feel like they got a great deal. No one should feel they’ve been conned in their choice of partner. You should feel like a winner for choosing your partner, and your partner should feel like a winner for choosing you, it’s as simple as that.

Ultimately it’s not a simple question of saying ‘that person is out of my league’ or ‘I’m out of that person’s league’. It’s about evaluating each person you come across and working out whether or not you’d make a great partnership. Looks will always be part of the decision, we’re not going to deny otherwise, but you’re fooling yourself if that’s as far as your assessment goes.

Do you think you’ve ever dated out of your league?

6 warning signs you’re settling

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Do you ever find yourself wondering if they’re The One, or if you’re just settling down because you don’t think you’ll find anyone better? Sometimes, when we’re at a low ebb, it can be very easy to convince ourselves that someone is right for us, just because they’re there. But settling rarely makes for a long lasting, happy relationship. Here are 6 warning signs that you’re settling for second best in your relationship.

1. The little things really bug you

Love is blind…well, it should be during the honeymoon phase anyway. If your relationship is relatively new but little things about your partner are already starting to annoy you, this is a big warning sign. Over time these things aren’t going to go away, they’re just going to get more annoying.

2. You fantasize about time alone

When you’re with someone you really like, especially at the start of the relationship, you tend to want to spend every second together. However, if you find yourself fantasizing about that evening you can spend alone watching the TV shows your partner hates, or that weekend you have coming up where you can spend some time on your own, you’re settling.

3. You constantly think about the sands of time

Love isn’t a practical thing. You fall in love with someone despite all the odds, not to fulfil a purpose. If you keep telling yourself that this is your last chance, and you probably won’t find anyone else then you really are settling. You’re never too old to find love but you’re always too young to settle.

4. You’re attempting a make-over

If you keep a mental to do list of the things you think your partner could improve on then you’ve got problems. As we’ve said time and time again on eHarmony Advice, you should never begin a relationship thinking you can change the other person to be your ideal partner. Your soul mate will seem right from the very start.

5. You gloss over your partner’s faults

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the person who ignores all their partner’s faults. So what if she never does any housework, at least she comes home when she says she will. Or so what if he never tells me he loves me, at least he loads the dishwasher properly. Your partner doesn’t need to be perfect but they do need to be right.

6. You’re always making excuses for your partner

Do you find yourself saying things like ‘She’s had a really tough year’ or ‘He can’t help it’ to your friends and family when they question aspects of your partner’s personality or habits? You shouldn’t have to make excuses to your loved ones about your partner. You should either be honest with them, or get out of the relationship.

 

How to end a relationship like a grown-up

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No-one likes to do it but there can come a time when we realize that our relationship is just not working out and we want to end it. Doing it the right way will minimize the hurt on both sides so here we suggest some simple guidelines that may help.

Do it face to face
However tempting it may be to send an email or text this is the worst possible way to end a relationship. Often we want to text or email because we don’t want to have to face the emotional response of the other person but by avoiding that we deprive both them, and us, of the opportunity to learn valuable lessons about ourselves that we can take into our next relationship.

Even if the relationship was only short-lived the other person deserves a face to face explanation of our reasons for not taking it further. If it is a long-distance relationship and face to face communication isn’t possible use your usual form of close communication like Skype or phone.

Be honest
It is important before you end a relationship that you really understand the reasons why before you try to tell the other person. Talk it through with a friend or write it down so you are really clear in your own mind.

Is it that your feelings have changed towards the person? If so look at the reasons for the change and take responsibility for your own behaviors and actions. Sometimes when we are going off the boil in a relationship it is very easy to focus on the other person and find lots of little reasons we could use to justify the end of the relationship when the honest reason may be that we have lost interest, shut down or been attracted to someone else. As humbling as it can be to admit that we have changed our minds it is far better than launching into a hurtful character assassination of the other person.

Is it because of something the other person has done or not done? If so have you talked to them about it and given them the chance to explain or rectify the situation? Is it a quality or personality trait the other person has that irritates or annoys you and you just can’t get over? If so it could be really useful for them to know especially if it is something they could work on so it doesn’t affect future relationships.

Most important of all is that you are honest about whether you really want the relationship to end rather than just to change. People who are in relationships that are continually on and off feel very insecure and find it more difficult to make long term plans and commitments. If you say it make sure you mean it.

Give positive feedback too
When having this difficult conversation remember as well as giving the reasons for your decision to end it also acknowledge the things that went well between you. Psychologists say that we can take on board negative information more readily if it is accompanied by a positive comment; if it is all negative it feels like an attack and we become defensive. Acknowledge the good qualities in the other person and aspects of the relationship that did work or were enjoyable. However, be careful that you don’t give mixed messages and make it very clear it is still over.

Do it calmly – the three day rule
It is easy to dump someone in the heat of the moment when our emotions are heightened and we are hurt, angry and upset but this is not the time to make that decision. As difficult as it may seem it is a good idea to make a pact to always give yourselves a three day cool off period before you finally decide to split. Use this time to reflect, not just on your partner’s behavior but also on your own, and decide what action you need to take.

The End
Some people say that a relationship is over just to prompt a reaction in the other person. Don’t play emotional games. If you say it is over make sure you really mean that and be prepared to never see that person again. You may feel that you could still stay friends but that is often too painful for some people and gives them false hope that you will get back together.