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How to avoid arguments

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Couples argue for all sorts of reasons. Mostly about money, sex, decisions, values, child rearing and household responsibilities but sometimes about nothing at all or about the same thing every time. Often the pattern for arguing is set early on in the relationship. Here we suggest some useful strategies for avoiding painful confrontations and developing healthier communication skills which will give your relationship the best possible chance of success.

Don’t take it personally
Everyone gets upset from time to time and our intimate relationships are where it all comes spilling out. We have kept our cool at the office, with the kids and not shouted at the noisy neighbor but then our partner puts one foot out of place and they get their head bitten off. Being on the receiving end of this isn’t pleasant but it will only get worse if we bite back. Try to look past the irritation and anger and see that your partner is in need of your love and support.

If an argument is brewing and you know one or both of you isn’t in the right frame of mind for it to develop into useful, constructive discussion it is better to take some time out to cool off. Acknowledge that you have heard what the problem is but that now isn’t the right time to sort it out. You don’t have to get in the ring with someone who wants to let off steam and if you feel afraid of your partner’s anger you need to take a look at this, bullying and intimidation always damage a relationship.

Listen
This is one of the most important points when it comes to arguments. Good communication often lies at the heart of happy relationships and listening is a large part of that communication process. When your partner is upset don’t talk over, dismiss or invalidate what your partner is trying to tell you even if they are not expressing themselves very well.

Try to listen and ask questions to clarify what they are saying.
Most people jump to the defensive if they feel they are being attacked or criticized but it is much better to try to stay calm, acknowledge that the other person is upset and try to work out why and what they want from you. Often people say they are upset about something trivial but when they have a sympathetic listening ear it emerges that there are other things going on for them.

Whatever you do don’t dismiss or ignore problems because the chances are that if you do they will come back bigger and uglier next time. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine how it looks or feels from their perspective.

It’s not what you say….
Often it’s not what someone says but how they say it that hurts us and we may refuse to accept or understand our partner’s point of view because of the way we are being spoken to. As far as possible avoid blaming, accusing, demanding and aggressive communication styles as they are very unlikely to get a positive response from your partner. It is more likely that these styles will emerge if difficult issues between you aren’t being talked about on a regular basis as resentments may build up until one or both of you reach boiling point.

Most couples tend to start out arguing about one thing and end up arguing about the way they are arguing. Men often invalidate a woman’s feelings because they are likely to respond to the facts of what she is saying rather than the feelings behind it.  Women tend to criticize and diminish men by accusing them of not fulfilling their needs even though they haven’t been clear about what those needs are.

If you are a man try to respond to your partner’s feelings without getting into the facts, for example, if she says ‘you never listen to me’ don’t give her ten examples of times when you did listen, instead understand she is feeling vulnerable and needs you to listen to her now.

If you are a woman be aware that when you are talking to a man about a difficult subject don’t criticize or blame him for your unhappiness. Be direct and clear about what it is you are trying to say and what you want from him.

Healing from an argument
Look at your part and say sorry if you have hurt the other person. Don’t justify bad behavior or  play tit for tat as that will only keep the anger smouldering.

As far as possible let go of bad feeling as soon as possible and put it in the past. If you have been arguing about a specific issue is it something that can be changed? If not you will have to accept it and move on.

In all relationships there are going to be disagreements but if you use some of these strategies arguments can become mutually supportive conversations which are necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements.

Chemistry: What makes us connect with somebody?

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You may have been chatting online for weeks, have loads in common, be so excited to meet each other in person, have arranged the perfect first date but despite all this when you get there that magic spark just isn’t there, there is no chemistry between you. This can happen because of a number of real chemical reactions taking place in the body. Here we explain some of the science behind it.

On the first date
Your heart is beating fast, your breathing is shallow, your palms sweaty and it feels like butterflies are filling your stomach. You can’t tell whether it is fear or excitement that is overwhelming you but it’s all-consuming, obliterating all concerns about your ordinary life.

Whenever we go into any new situation our body prepares us by releasing a number of chemicals into our bloodstream. Adrenaline is a hormone which creates the ‘fight or flight’ response, it increases our heart rate, constricts blood vessels and dilates our air passages. Fight or flight might not seem like the most natural responses to a date but it describes well that feeling of being fully alert and on guard to respond to an unknown situation.

Initial connection
So you get there and you see your date for the first time and you hug. At this point another set of chemicals comes into play. There are called pheromones and they make us smell attractive to our partner. Pheromones are released naturally by the body and the level which you release will vary from person to person. The perfume industry has tried to cash in on this scientific fact for decades by producing perfumes that closely resemble human pheromones.

We also respond very strongly to the  non-verbal messages given by our date. Researchers have noticed that when people are attracted to each other they tend to mirror one another’s body language, folding their arms at the same time, gesturing in the same way as though they are attuned to each other sometimes even speaking in unison, they may feel very familiar to each other.

The next stages
After a successful first date where you feel you have really connected you may be feeling the first fluttering of love. Some people swear they fell in love with their partner at first sight. There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you’re in love. Estrogen and testosterone play a role in the sex drive area. Without them, we might never venture into the ‘real love’ arena.

That initial giddiness that comes when we’re first falling in love includes a racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. This is due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we’re releasing. Dopamine is thought to be the “pleasure chemical,” producing a feeling of bliss. Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. Together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention.

Researchers are using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to watch people’s brains when they look at a photograph of their object of affection what they see in those scans during that “crazed, can’t-think-of-anything-but stage of romance” — the attraction stage — is the biological drive to focus on one person. The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine — associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction.

Couples in this stage of love focus intently on the relationship and often on little else. Another possible explanation for the intense focus and idealizing view is that people in love have lower levels of serotonin and also that neural circuits associated with the way we assess others are suppressed. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love obsess about their partner.

Making love last
All of these chemical responses lesson with time and it is possible to have strong chemical reaction to someone who is completely unsuitable and unavailable. Matches made on the grounds of compatibility are less likely to wane when the chemical reactions settle down and you will be left with a love that has the best possible chance of success.

Modern first date rules

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The key to it all is planning, if you choose the right kind of place to meet and you have everything you will need then you will feel more in control and relaxed.

Dos
• Meet in a public place, preferably one that you already know. Choose one that serves decent coffee and has a good atmosphere, then you will be in familiar territory and have fewer things to worry about.

• Make your own way there. It isn’t a good idea to get into a stranger’s car and even though you may have been chatting online for some time your date is still, at this stage, a stranger.

• Tell someone where you are going and what time you expect to be back and make an arrangement to check in with them after the date.

• Keep it simple. Remember that one date is not a big deal, it is simply a chance for you to see each other and have a face to face conversation which is usually a continuation of correspondence you have been having online. You don’t need to go all out planning a flashy night – that can come later.

• Remember your date is probably feeling exactly the same way as you and may even be more nervous. When people are nervous they sometimes say and do silly, uncharacteristic things. If this happens be charitable and forgiving and put it down to nerves rather than writing the date off or cutting it short.

• Be prepared. Have enough money to cover your coffee and a cab home. Have a fully charged mobile phone and the number of someone you can ring if you need to. Read the paper or listen to the news so that you have some interesting topics to talk about if the conversation dries up

• Be yourself. Any pretense you make will be exposed later so it’s always best to be honest, open and upfront right from the start.

• Relax and have fun. One of the most attractive qualities in a person is an enthusiastic, cheerful nature. Make eye contact, laugh when you find something funny and generally engage with your date -  you will have a much better time even if you never want to see them again.

Don’t
• Arrange to meet in a noisy crowded place. The aim of this first date is to give you a chance to get to know each other a bit better and this can be difficult to do in a noisy, crowded bar.

• Check your mobile phone for texts, emails and status updates every two minutes. Give your date your full, undivided attention for the hour or so you are together, your mobile can wait. Put it on on silent and keep it out of sight, not on the table in front of you.

• Drink too much. You could arrange your meeting in a coffee shop instead so neither of you are tempted.

• Leave your drink or personal possessions with your date if you step away for any reason.

• Lie about yourself to make your life sound more interesting. Trust that who you are is good enough and if you aren’t the right one for them that is ok.

• Moan, even if you have had a tough day, year or life a first date is not the time to offload. Especially don’t moan about your ex.

• Try to tell your whole life story in one date. Keep it light and enjoyable and remember to ask your date about their life and experiences too.

• Make snap decisions based on appearance or mannerisms; try to keep an open mind and an open heart.

• Give out your home address, email or workplace until you have met at least a couple more times.

• Go back to their place or them back to yours. It is 2011 but it is still a good idea to keep it light on the first date. That way you will respect yourself in the morning regardless of what anyone else’s opinion of you is. A kiss if it feels appropriate is sufficient, and is much easier to stick to if you have shared a coffee on a Saturday afternoon than come out of a club at 2am.

Whatever you do make sure you have fun and keep your focus on your feelings rather than trying to mind read whether your date likes you, they will let you know soon enough.

5 Cougar Dating Tips

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If you are a younger man who prefer to date older women, here are some cougar dating tips to help you. A cougar is an older and mature woman who prefers to have a relationship with younger men. If you use some of the tips outlined in this article, you can effectively have a successful and healthy relationship with a cougar.

Be honest – older and mature women appreciate honesty. If you want to make an impression, you need to be honest with the cougar you are dating. Answer all questions with the truth and always be upfront with your emotions. This will show your date that you are mature and wise despite your young age. You should also keep in mind that older, mature and more experienced women can easily spot if you are lying. Honesty is really the route if you want to keep on dating the cougar you like.

Be physically fit – one of the main reasons why many cougars prefer the company of younger men is the fact that younger men are virile, energetic, strong and have lots of stamina. This is why, if you want to attract older more mature women, you need to be physically fit. Exercise and the right diet can help you keep a physically fit state. Cougars will really like to date you if they see that you are a strong and energetic young man.

Use a dating service – in order to efficiently find an interesting partner, you can always go with a dating service. There are many dating services who take pride in providing excellent matches to their clients. By using a dating service, you will be able to meet an interesting person who is also interested with you.

Dress nicely – by dressing nicely, you will be able to make a good impression on the cougar you are dating. Always be well groomed when going out on a date.

Frequent cougar bars – every city has its own cougar bars where cougars go to meet young men. If you use some of the cougar dating tips outlined in this article, you will be able to meet an interesting cougar who will also be interested in you

The Advantages Of Dating Cougar

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The number of men dating women who are older than they are has increased in the recent years. The first few men who dared to engage in a slightly unusual dating arrangement have discovered the benefits of dating cougar.  Here are some:

Yes, cougars are older women.  But here’s the catch. They are not just your ordinary older women. They are SMOKING HOT older women. It’s the adjective that comes before the “older woman” that makes the difference. In short, dating a cougar is dating a smoking hot babe.

They are experienced. Cougars have reached a point in their lives where they have learned a lot from their experiences.  They already know the ropes not just in bed but about life in general. They have become sharper and wiser and are good conversationalists. Most men look for this quality from a woman and are almost instantly attracted to a woman with substance.

They are well-off. Most cougars have been around long enough to have earned enough, or better yet, more than enough money to pay their own way.  This earned wealth could be a result of hard-earned pay check or because they had good divorce lawyers.  Credit is still hers for choosing a rich former husband.  This goes without saying that she can even pay for your meals when you go out on a date and you don’t have to worry of what things you could get her because she can take care of that.  What they need is real companionship and genuine conversation.

They are independent and they know exactly what they want.  Cougars have said good bye to the times of clinginess and gullibility.  When you ask a cougar where to go or where to eat, expect a quick answer.  She might even bring you to a five star restaurant because burger joints and sushi bars are already things of t past for cougars.

Lastly, they are confident with no dramas.  Cougars are confident with who they are.  They are not like chicks in their twenties who would constantly check your cell phone or send you text messages every 15 minutes when you are away.  They have survived before you even met so they know how to handle the ups and downs of a relationship. Dating cougar is really worth it.